Lose yourself. Let your current vibe be your leader.
One of the most common leadership breakdowns is not a lack of skill, vision, or effort. It is assumption. We assume people understand our intent. We assume silence means agreement. We assume resistance means disobedience. We assume motivation looks like ours. But assumption is not communication, and leadership built on assumption eventually fractures connection. Simply put, assumptions get you stuck.
In my book Stuckness, I write about how people do not become stuck overnight. Stuckness is formed through repeated thoughts that shape belief, drive behavior, and eventually create protected patterns (cycles) that feel normal. The same is true in leadership. When we communicate from assumption, we reinforce patterns we never took time to understand. We talk at people before we take time to find them, and that is where leadership begins to drift.
Before you can lead people, you have to locate them—not physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and contextually.
Every person you lead is standing somewhere different. Some are confident. Some are cautious. Some are burned out. Some are eager. Others are guarded because of past leadership wounds. When we skip this step and lead from where we are instead of where they are, frustration grows on both sides. We begin saying things like "they should know better", "they already heard this", "they are lazy", "they are not disciplined" or "they are just not motivated". Often the truth is simpler. We have not yet found them and Yes—that is our role in the engagement as leaders.
Leadership is not about pulling people toward your understanding. It is about stepping into theirs long enough to build common ground. Connection cannot occur without location. You must find your people before you can connect with your people.
Scripture models this clearly. Jesus never led by assumption. He always began with presence. Throughout the Gospels, He asked questions He already knew the answer to. Where are you? What do you want me to do for you? Who do you say that I am? These were not questions for information, but for alignment.
Jesus was finding people before forming people.
The road to Emmaus in Luke 24 reveals this pattern beautifully. Two disciples walked in confusion and disappointment after the crucifixion. Jesus joined them, yet they did not recognize Him. He did not correct them or reveal Himself immediately. He walked with them. He listened to their interpretation of events and met them in their misunderstanding. Only after connection came revelation.
Presence preceded instruction. Understanding came before correction. Relationship came before redirection.
Assumption creates distance, but curiosity builds bridges.
When leaders assume, people feel unseen. When leaders grow curious, people feel safe. Curiosity sounds like asking for perspective, seeking clarity, and listening without preparing a rebuttal. This is not weakness. It is maturity. Curiosity dismantles defensiveness, and defensiveness blocks growth. You cannot coach someone who does not feel seen, and you cannot challenge someone who does not feel safe. People rarely resist change. They resist being changed without being understood.
Leading others always begins with leading yourself. Assumption often reveals impatience, fear of slowing down, discomfort with tension, or the desire for efficiency over relationship. When we are unwilling to pause, we assume. When we fear conflict, we avoid clarity. When we lead from ego, we demand alignment instead of building it. Self-awareness protects relationships and allows communication to flow from humility rather than control.
Finding common ground does not mean lowering standards or avoiding truth. It does not mean compromising values. It means identifying shared humanity—shared goals, shared fears, shared desire for meaningful work, and shared need to belong. Once common ground is established, truth can land. Without it, even truth becomes noise. Scripture reminds us to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. Listening is not passive. It is strategic, because what you hear determines how you lead.
Stuckness in teams forms the same way it does in individuals. Patterns go unexamined. Listening slows. Assumptions increase. Assumption keeps teams cycling, but understanding creates movement.
When people feel located, they lean in. When people feel heard, resistance softens. When people feel valued, responsibility increases. That is not theory. That is formation. And formation always follows connection.
Before you speak next, it is worth asking yourself a few simple questions.
Thought-Provoking Questions
Have I found them yet?
Do I know where they are standing?
Am I communicating from assumption or understanding?
Am I trying to move them, or am I willing to meet them?
You cannot connect with people you have not first found. When you find your people, connection follows. When connection follows, trust grows. And when trust grows, transformation becomes possible.
That is how you lead yourself, and that is how you lead others. Jesus did this and I believe He is the perfect example.