5 of 6: The Heart of Growth: Transformation – Breaking Old Patterns

Accepting you are the problem is the first step to breaking old patterns.

There is no shortage of self-help books, TED Talks, interviews, articles, and perfectly curated quotes splashed across social media - I personally like the ones that are behind a store front glass, those are eye catching. I will be honest—much of you read, may be thoughts you have already had or practices you have followed without even realizing it. There is a slight chance you will come across something new, but if you take a few minutes to engage with me, I promise you will either gain a fresh perspective or be reminded to put into action something you once knew but may have set aside.

I do not have a degree in Cognitive Behavioral Psychology—a common source of regret—but I have a deep interest and a strong drive to understand why people behave the way they do, what motivates them, and how to support their growth. Simply put, the connection between external behaviors and internal thought processes fascinates me.

What I can say with confidence is that I have over 20 years of experience leading people, with an even deeper focus within Human Resources. Throughout my life, I have had the privilege of leading small groups, walking alongside others as an accountability partner, and working with volunteer teams to make a difference. Community service, serving on committees, and being part of sports teams have all shaped me in different ways. But beyond all of that, my most meaningful roles are being a son, brother, friend, husband, and father—relationships that continue to teach me, challenge me, and fill my life with purpose. Along the way, I have not always gotten it right. I have fallen short, received advice I needed to hear, and had to make real changes. Those moments of self-reflection and growth have given me a deeper understanding of what it takes to break old patterns and move forward. Through my own experiences, as well as what I have observed in others, I have learned key actions that help foster meaningful transformation.

There are three essential elements of breaking old patterns.

1. Redefining Self-Identity

2. Recognizing Discomfort as a Driver of Change

3. Implementing Practical Techniques While Understanding Willpower’s Limitations

1. Redefining Self-Identity

Understanding self-image and habits is essential to personal growth. As we discussed a few weeks ago regarding self-awareness requires us to step back and examine our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, identifying blind spots or habits that may hold us back. Just as situational awareness helps navigate external threats, self-awareness allows us to address internal obstacles, paving the way for growth and transformation.

What is often overlooked is that becoming self-aware means uncovering both aspects of ourselves that we appreciate and those we may struggle with. The more self-aware we become, the better equipped we are to handle these realizations with resilience. This awareness allows for healthier self-talk, greater self-compassion, and a deeper acceptance of who we are. When we acknowledge that perfection is unattainable, we create space to recognize our shortcomings without self-judgment, allowing us to grow with understanding and grace.

The late American psychologist and psychotherapist Albert Ellis is best known for developing Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), a pioneering approach in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). His work focused on challenging irrational beliefs, promoting self-acceptance, and helping individuals develop healthier thought patterns.

Here is a story that many can relate to and draw valuable lessons from. Lena’s journey exemplifies these principles in action.

Lena had always been her own worst critic. No matter her achievements, a nagging voice told her she was not good enough. Every mistake felt like proof of failure, keeping her from new challenges out of fear of embarrassment.

One night, after replaying a minor mistake at work, she decided to change. A friend suggested an experiment—whenever a negative thought surfaced, write it down and challenge its validity.

Lena started to write and her first thought she wrote down was: “If I make a mistake, people will think I am incompetent.” She asked herself, “Is this really true?” She realized mistakes did not define her worth—they were opportunities to learn.

As days passed, she reframed other limiting beliefs:

• “I am not smart enough to succeed.” → “I have grown before; I can grow again.”

• “I will embarrass myself if I try something new.” → “Growth happens outside my comfort zone.”

Over time, she gave herself permission to be imperfect, spoke with kindness, and embraced challenges. When a leadership opportunity arose, she reminded herself, “I do not need to be perfect to be capable.” She accepted the challenge, knowing effort—not flawlessness—fuels growth.

By confronting irrational beliefs, Lena broke free from self-criticism. She learned that self-acceptance is not ignoring flaws but refusing to let them define her. And with that, she moved forward—just as Ellis taught.

I firmly believe there is a strong connection between self-perception and habitual behavior. The way we see ourselves shapes the actions we take.

For instance:

• If you see yourself as a procrastinator, you are more likely to engage in delaying tasks.

• If you see yourself as someone who always fails, you will be more likely to avoid challenges out of fear of disappointment.

• If you view yourself as socially awkward, you may withdraw from conversations, reinforcing feelings of isolation.

• If you believe you are not capable of success, you may hesitate to take opportunities that could lead to growth.

On the other hand, redefining your self-image can transform your behavior. When you begin to see yourself as proactive, resilient, or confident, your actions will start to align with that identity. This shift in self-perception is a powerful tool in breaking old patterns and creating lasting change.

2. Recognizing Discomfort as a Driver of Change

Discomfort is an unavoidable part of growth, and in life, yet many view it as something to resist rather than embrace. In psychology, discomfort is often linked to cognitive dissonance, the mental tension that arises when our actions or beliefs contradict our values or goals. This tension, while uncomfortable, motivates change by pushing us to realign our behavior with who we aspire to become.

From my experience, discomfort is often intertwined with a sense of righteous confidence and joy, signaling growth and transformation. We have all faced moments where discomfort challenged us, and each of us has experienced it firsthand. Yet, one of the greatest obstacles to upward mobility is pride, which, when left unchecked, can hold us back from progress.

But what is really happening beneath the surface of pride?

I have seen pride crack through by many emotions—anger when feeling exposed, fear of being seen as inadequate, lying to themselves to protect their ego, arrogance to mask insecurity, and silence when admitting fault felt too vulnerable. Each of these reactions served as a shield, yet beneath them lay the opportunity for self-awareness, growth, and transformation—if only pride would yield to humility.

When faced with feedback, the brain perceives uncertainty as a threat, triggering a fight-or-flight response that prioritizes self-protection over rational thinking. Pride can introduce itself and amplify defensiveness, leading to:

• Denial – Rejecting feedback to protect self-image.

• Deflection – Shifting blame onto others.

• Justification – Rationalizing actions to avoid accountability.

Recognizing these reactions is the first step toward growth, but awareness alone is not enough. Transformation happens when we choose humility over pride, learning over defensiveness, and self-awareness over self-preservation.

Pride convinces us that admitting fault is weakness, but in reality, it is the gateway to strength. The moment we stop resisting discomfort and start confronting it, we unlock the ability to break old patterns and step into something greater. Scripture reminds us of this truth in Proverbs 11:2: "Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. NLT". True wisdom does not come from self-justification or avoidance but from a willingness to be refined by correction and growth.

Growth demands that we ask ourselves hard questions: Am I rejecting feedback out of fear? Am I shifting blame instead of taking ownership? Am I justifying my actions to avoid accountability?

The truth may be uncomfortable, but it is the only path to lasting change. Discomfort is not the enemy—your pride is. Letting go of it is not easy, but neither is staying stuck. The choice is yours.

3. Implementing Practical Techniques While Understanding Willpower’s Limitations

Breaking old habits is challenging.

Breaking old thought patterns is even harder.

But breaking free from past mistakes—that is the true test of growth.

In my family, there are many insightful phrases passed down, but one always stuck with me as a child. My grandfather, Pasquale, was a man full of life. He was fun, quick to make you laugh, and had a deep love for his work and the people around him. As a child, I saw him through eyes of admiration, but even now, as an adult, those memories hold true. Everyone who knew him would confirm—Grandpa Pasquale was exactly that kind of man.

He loved creating things. At Christmas, he would hand-make toys, and he had a gift for fixing even the oddest things. His workshop was immaculate—organized with purpose. As a curious young boy, drawn to creativity without realizing it, I was always invited in. Sitting beside him, watching him work, are some of my most vivid childhood memories. Even as I type this, they bring a smile to my face.

But Grandpa Pasquale was more than just creative—he was a teacher, just like my mother. And he had a phrase he would often say to me whenever I hesitated or seemed uncertain:

"When in doubt—do not do."

Then he would add, "Some things you cannot undo."

At the time, I did not fully understand the weight of those words, but they resonated with me. Looking back, I now see how deeply they spoke to my natural tendencies—caution, perfectionism, and careful decision-making.

As I grew older and faced my own mistakes, his words echoed in my mind—reinforced by my mother, who often repeated them. Over time, I came to understand what he was teaching me. When I felt unsure, I learned to pause. To assess. To consider the impact of my decisions, not just on myself but on others.

Sometimes, I got it right. Many times, I got it wrong. But the lesson extended beyond childhood decisions—it shaped the way I approached moments where my choices carried weight. I began to recognize that our actions, even the seemingly small ones, can influence others in ways we may not even realize.

What I did not know at the time was that my family was teaching me a principle widely known today as the 10-Minute Rule.

10 -Minute Rule

The 10-Minute Rule is a technique used to delay impulsive decisions—whether in the form of temptation, avoidance, or emotional reactions. Instead of reacting immediately, you take 10 minutes to pause, reflect, and let your rational mind catch up to your emotions. This brief moment of stillness creates the space needed to make thoughtful, intentional choices rather than rushed, regrettable ones.

In many ways, Grandpa Pasquale’s advice was a version of the 10-Minute Rule. When he said, "When in doubt—do not do," he was teaching me to pause before acting, to give myself time to assess the situation, and to make sure I was making the right move. He understood that some choices cannot be undone, and the best way to avoid regret is to create a moment of reflection before making a decision.

The beauty of this lesson is that it applies to almost every aspect of life—whether it is choosing words in a difficult conversation, making a financial decision, or deciding how to respond to a challenging situation. It is not about hesitating out of fear, but about acting with wisdom.

Grandpa Pasquale’s workshop may have been filled with tools, but the most valuable one he ever gave me was the ability to pause, reflect, and make decisions with intention.

And that, I have learned, is how we truly break old patterns.

Breaking old patterns is not a passive process—it is an intentional decision to confront discomfort, challenge limiting beliefs, and take responsibility for the life we want to build. Transformation does not happen overnight, nor does it come without struggle. It requires redefining who we are, embracing the discomfort of growth, and applying practical strategies to make lasting change.

Throughout this journey, we face a choice: cling to pride or step into humility, react out of impulse or pause with wisdom, stay bound to the past or move toward the future. Each step forward may feel uncomfortable, but discomfort is not the enemy—staying stuck is.

Growth begins the moment we accept that we are the ones keeping old patterns alive. It is in that realization that transformation takes root. The work ahead is challenging, but the reward is worth it—a life of greater clarity, wisdom, and purpose.

So, now the question to ask yourself is: What is one pattern in your life that you know needs to change—but have been avoiding—and what is stopping you from taking the first step today?